~dmGremlin

I still have a little bit of a conscience left - and as a result, before I torch everything that I own, I'd like to make sure everybody gets what I owe them. Not everybody reads my journals everywhere, and I know there area a couple models I've worked with on here that might see this so I'm going to write this here as well as send messages.

If there are pictures I'm supposed to deliver to you, please write me a message and make arrangements to receive them. I'm not going to be editing any more pictures, but I'll be happy to hand over raws / negatives / prints / whatever.

I'm not sure how long it's going to be before I get bored of waiting, so please try and get in touch with me as soon as possible.

Welp, I finally got just the last bit of discouragement I needed to quit photography for good.

Goodbye everybody.

So I've been taking a break from reality and putting my creative energies into another project - setting up a game server for my favorite video game, DoD:Source! If anyone that reads this journal plays that game and wants to know the IP address of the server, drop me a message.

It's been a pretty intense project, which to get started ended up taking as many days as I thought it would but a whole lot more hours. In the process I've learned the basics of two new scripting languages, as well as how to set up a really primitive automated payment gateway for a website that could, for example, allow donaters to immediately be granted access to view private sections of my online galleries.

I just started looking at my pictures again. My attitude about them has risen from 'looks like shit' to 'barely mediocre'. Some of them I like. Generally from a set there will be one picture that I'll like, and then a dozen or so variations on it. It seems like it might be a good idea to feature that one that I like the way I usually do, and then put the variations in the 'donater only' section.

I'm debating with myself (it's a master debate) whether or not this constitues 'whoring myself'. It'd be nice to start making some money - any money - doing this, though I suspect that running this video game server is going to be a bigger success than my art will ever be. In 5 days, it's already a lot more popular than anything else I've done, except perhaps the kitten-cam.

Anyways, I've got a little bit of catching up to do again.

...and all my inspiration is gone again. I've still got film to scan, but what's the point? All my pictures look like shit and I can't bear to look at them.

It probably has everything to do with my intensly draining living situation, and the constant negativity, apathy and hostility of the person closest to me. Whether or not I'd do better on my own at this point is irrelevant idle speculation.

I've kind of given up hope that anything is going to change, or that I even have the ability to change anything. My patience and perseverance, once a virtue, has now ultimately trapped me in a self sustaining cycle of depression, anxiety, and self perceived helplessness.

I'm probably not going to last much longer like this, which is why I'm even writing this - so that if and when I suddenly disappear, should anyone notice, they'll have a clue as to why.

Here come the vultures.

Well, I just had the time of my life in Las Vegas. It was definitely a much needed vacation, and a far greater experience than I had expected, or could have imagined it would be.

Wynnesome came with me, and she posted a fairly detailed account of our activites here: [link]

It feels strange being back in the studio again. The lingering thought is 'what now?'

I have a lot to think about and reflect on. I need to get things a bit organized in all areas (work/self/spirit) so I can catch this wind and handle all the potential pressures that might come with picking up speed again.

I'll post my own perspective of the details of this journey once I've had a little more time to meditate and prepare a few pictures / video to show. I still need to unpack.